


The Demons Come At Night (i want to be your appetite)

by TheFandomLesbian



Series: Spencer's Criminal Minds One-Shots [13]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Erotica, F/F, Jemily - Freeform, Minor Character Death, PWP, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:41:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28727508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFandomLesbian/pseuds/TheFandomLesbian
Summary: After the explosion at the bank killed Will, Emily tries to help JJ begin to piece her life back together. JJ surprises her with revelations about love that they begin to explore.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: Spencer's Criminal Minds One-Shots [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940851
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84





	The Demons Come At Night (i want to be your appetite)

The silence in JJ’s house was shattering to Emily.

The furnace didn’t run. The refrigerator produced not a sound. The television had gone untouched since they had arrived. Like a spectre, she rested on the very edge of the couch, afraid to let anything mark her presence, that she interfered with this space. 

_ Will’s space.  _

Swallowing hard, she tilted her head forward, steepling her fingers, her elbows on her knees. The EMTs had bandaged the cuts on her face and hands, but they hadn’t managed to get all the glass out of her hair and clothes—hers, or JJ’s, who had gone to get them a change of clothes. 

Emily’s watch ticked. 

Nothing else breached the silence. 

She didn’t hear JJ’s footfalls, but the latter cleared her throat with two piles of clothes and a comb in her shivering hand. Emily looked up at her. She stood. “Jayje, let me—”

“I need to keep my hands busy.”

It was the most JJ had said at a time since Hotch and Morgan had dragged them up out of the wreckage, Emily still clinging to JJ with her whole body to keep her from running into the burning, collapsing building. JJ shrieked endlessly, not pausing to breathe, and Morgan carried her away with her feet not touching the ground. Hotch pulled Emily to her feet, and to her surprise, he touched her hair, sweeping the shattered glass out of it that he could see. Her ears were ringing. She couldn’t hear what he said, if he said anything at all. She had thought,  _ I couldn’t save him, _ and maybe she had said it out loud, because Hotch had hugged her, and she didn’t think Hotch had ever hugged her before, and she dimly thought,  _ He gives really good hugs, _ but then he was leading her to the back of an ambulance where JJ was bundled in a shock blanket, and she had more important things to think about than Hotch and his good hugs and Morgan pinning JJ down and Reid with his face buried in the crook of Rossi’s neck while he tried not to cry.

She had more important things to think about now, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Will. 

JJ sat her in the kitchen chair and stood behind her. Her hand was unsteady, and the fine-toothed comb yanked at her tangled, burnt hair. Emily didn’t say a word at the pain. The shards of glass fell one by one. She smelled like ashes.  _ I feel like ashes. _

When she closed her eyes, she saw his face again. She saw the ticking digital clock, two minutes and forty-five seconds, forty-four seconds, forty-three seconds, Hotch on the headset, “ _ Bomb squad is three minutes away, _ ” forty-two seconds—

Will’s desperate eyes met hers. “ _ Just get everybody out of here. _ ”

“ _ I’m not going to leave you. Just give me a minute. _ ” 

He looked down at the flashing clock on his chest. “ _ That’s about all you got. _ ” 

One minute and forty-six seconds, forty-five seconds, forty-four seconds—

JJ was cutting her hair, snipping away at the split and singed ends with kitchen scissors. It hurt. Her whole body hurt. She wasn’t twenty-five anymore, and it showed in how she felt, the aches, the bruises. She licked her lips and listened to the sounds of JJ’s breaths. 

_ I could’ve done it differently. _ She had done it. She crouched down in front of him and admired the bomb, the way it fixed to his body, and she began to profile, trying to ignore the clock and Will’s suggestions (in any other scenario, she would’ve appreciated him trying to help, but in this one, she just needed him to shut the fuck up and let her  _ think, _ would it have been different if he would’ve stopped talking? Would he still be alive if she would’ve told him to keep his mouth shut and let her figure it out?). “ _ Seriously, Emily, go. Go! _ ”

She was ignoring him. “ _ Chad. 2-4-2-3. _ ” 

The clock flashed. One attempt left. One minute to solve it. “ _ These are valentines for her. A four-letter word. Love, life, soul— _ ”

“ _ Izzy, _ ” Will said, “ _ her name is Izzy— _ ”

Emily’s fingers touched the keypad, until—

“ _ Will! Emily! _ ” JJ raced toward them, her head down, her shoes smacking the cement. “ _ What can I do? How can I help? _ ” Emily’s fingers hovered over the keypad, prepared to type in 4-9-9-9, but she couldn’t, because JJ was there, and if they were wrong, they all died,  _ JJ _ died, she couldn’t compel her fingers to work, she couldn’t do it, she  _ couldn’t do it— _ fifty-eight seconds, fifty-seven, fifty-six, fifty-five—

She looked up at Will, and they wore the same look of resignation, as she realized what he was going to tell her to do and he realized what she would do regardless of his instruction—

She slammed into JJ with her whole body. They tumbled down the cement stairs, head over heels. She screamed into the headset, “ _ Get everyone out of here! Hotch, get everyone out of here! Don’t let anyone else in! Get everyone out! We’re coming out! _ ” and she dug her fingers into JJ’s skin—not her clothes, because clothes could rip, but held onto her arms and her legs so hard that purple bruises now marred her, to guarantee that she could not escape and run back to the doomed man tied to the pillar. 

JJ would have done it. Emily knew that. JJ fought her. She fought her all the way out into the entrance, when finally the glass shattered and the heat blew them out into the street, and then she was still fighting as Emily threw her own body over JJ’s to protect her, and while JJ shrieked Will’s name into the smoke, Emily sobbed, “ _ I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. _ ” 

Was she still sobbing when Hotch hugged her? She wasn’t sure. But if she was, that was probably why he hugged her. 

“Your hair is really burnt,” JJ said in a monotone. 

“Cut as much as you have to.”

“You sure?”

“I’ve had a pixie before.”

Ordinarily, this would’ve earned her something else in response. A laugh, a giggle, a question of inquiry. JJ managed a tempered grunt and continued to hack away at Emily’s hair. It was sloppy and uneven. But the glass was gone. 

She smelled like she had survived a war. In some ways, she had. 

In some ways, she hadn’t survived at all. Some of her was dead with Will. 

JJ swept the floor. The broom brushed over the tiles and swept the glass and hair into the dustpan, and she dumped out the mess into the trash. Emily got up. “Let me do you now.” JJ wanted to refuse, but Emily tried to smile at her, and she reluctantly sank down into the chair.

Emily wondered if JJ would have continued to scream if she hadn’t seen Henry. 

Rossi led him to the back of the ambulance where the EMTs had wreathed JJ in the shock blanket, and he jumped into her arms, and JJ held him and rocked him until they signed her release, and she was shaking all over, and Hotch approached her. “ _ Do you want me to take him for the night?” _ he asked. “ _ It’s only right. _ ”

Was it only two and a half years ago that JJ had picked up Jack and taken him home with her and Will and Henry while Hotch tried to piece together the remnants of their lives? Was it so soon that he got to return the favor? 

She held Henry at arm’s length. “ _ I want you to go with Mr. Hotchner, okay? _ ” 

Emily couldn’t help but think bitterly that at least Hotch had had something of Haley left to bury. There was nothing left of Will. 

She drove JJ home, because that seemed right. She went in with her because leaving her alone seemed like a bad idea. And now she cut her hair for no other reason but to get the shattered glass out of it. “JJ—”

“Why did you tell them to stand down? Why did you tell them not to come?”

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to stay. But she couldn’t bring herself to leave. “Fifty-three seconds… There wasn’t enough time. The bomb squad couldn’t have diffused it in time. You know that.” She took a long strand of JJ’s hair and cut it. Emily had a good bit of experience cutting hair; she was confident she could make JJ look nice. 

“We shouldn’t have run. That’s not what we do. We stay. We should have  _ stayed, _ we should’ve stayed if it  _ killed us, _ when did you become such a coward?” 

Tears rolled down JJ’s face. Emily closed her mouth as she cut through more of her hair. “I’m not.” Her voice broke. She tried to clear past the lump in her throat. “I’m not—I’m not a  _ coward _ , JJ, I’m not, you know that—”

“You should’ve died! You should’ve died before you left him!”

“I would’ve!”  _ I shouldn’t raise my voice at her. _ Emily couldn’t eat her words or her tone. “You think I wouldn’t have died for him? To keep your family together? To make you happy?” Her heart leapt into her throat. Her hand shook too much to hold the scissors. She placed them on the table with a  _ click. _ “I didn’t run to save  _ me, _ Jayje. I ran to save  _ you. _ ”

Emily would’ve died for Will. She would’ve done it in an instant. But she could not risk JJ’s life. In that moment, she saw everything that would happen in the world without JJ. She couldn’t risk Spencer relapsing. She couldn’t risk Penelope packing up her office and leaving the BAU. She couldn’t risk JJ’s parents becoming childless, the former parents of two, now the parents of no living children. She couldn’t risk Henry losing both of his parents in one fell swoop. She couldn’t risk the world continuing to turn without JJ in it. 

The world would be a much uglier place without JJ. Emily never wanted to see the earth without her. 

JJ was silent. 

“Would you like me to go?” 

She hung her head. “No. Stay. Please.” 

Emily combed through her hair again. The glass shards hit the floor. Emily carefully did not move her feet. She didn’t need more cuts to add to her person. “I’m so sorry, JJ,” she whispered again, this time like a prayer. Twin tears rolled down JJ’s cheeks.  _ I wish it were me, instead. _ If it were her, Will would be here right now, holding JJ, comforting her, making it better. It would have hurt JJ, but she would have moved past it. She would have had Will in her life to help her get through it. Henry would have both of his parents, and he would one day not remember his mommy’s friend Emily from work who died in an explosion, and it wouldn’t impact him. They would be whole without Emily. 

JJ closed her eyes. “I know.” She took a quivering breath. “Me, too.” 

When she finished snipping the ends off of her hair, Emily swept up the glass and hair and discarded it. “Do you want to watch a movie?” She shook her head. “Listen to music?” Again, a shake of her head. “What would you like me to do to help?” JJ’s jaw chattered. Emily touched her hand. She felt cold. “Should I help you change clothes?” 

This received a nod in response, and Emily led her by the hand to the two changes of clothes JJ had left on the back of the couch. Carefully, Emily unbuttoned JJ’s blouse. It was burnt and torn. All of their clothes were ruined. JJ turned her back as Emily unhooked her bra. JJ didn’t slide it off. 

“Em?” 

Emily hesitated. “Yeah?” 

“I didn’t mean it. I—I don’t wish you were dead, I don’t—I didn’t—” She hiccuped. 

“I know.” 

“I don’t think you’re a coward—”

“Jayje, honey, I  _ know. _ You’re hurting, and you’re scared right now. You’re going to say things you don’t mean, and that’s okay.” Biting her lower lip, Emily placed her hand on JJ’s shoulder, squeezing her there. “I’m not upset with you. For  _ anything. _ I love you. You know that.” 

JJ turned to face her, her bra unhooked but straps clinging to her shoulders. She shed more tears. With them, dust and dirt ran down her face, leaving mucky tracks on her cheeks, and Emily wiped them away. “Do you remember that night? In the hotel?” 

Emily met her gaze. “Of course.” What case—Emily couldn’t have told a soul what case. What case didn’t matter. What mattered was JJ straddling her on the bed, JJ’s tongue in her mouth, JJ’s hands under her shirt, unhooking her bra and fondling her breasts, and thinking,  _ She’s going to cheat on her boyfriend with me, I should tell her to stop, _ and knowing she would never be powerful enough to do that, because a woman with honey-colored hair always held Emily’s heart and she would always be too weak to deny something like this. 

Then, Spencer knocked on the door and asked if he could come in, because he’d gotten into an argument with Morgan, and Emily had carefully hooked her bra back, and they slept clothed beside each other, and Emily had spent the next six months remembering how JJ’s lotion smelled and the way it felt to have that weight on top of her. Perhaps in another world, there was someone else for Emily, but in this world, there was only JJ, and JJ had Will, and Emily had nothing, not even hope, because Will made JJ happy, so why would she ever wish for something else?

JJ stared at her toes. “Make it stop,” she breathed, teeth chattering desperately. 

Emily pursed her lips. “Make what stop, Jay?” 

“The way—” Her voice quivered, unable to hold steady. “The way I feel, Em, about you, make it stop, make it go away, I don’t—” She hitched back a sob. Emily caressed her face. “I don’t deserve you, I—I wanted to be with you, but I didn’t want this, I didn’t want him to  _ die, _ I loved him, just not the way I love you, I just—” She leaned into Emily’s embrace. “ _ Please, _ ” she begged. 

Tilting her head, Emily admired JJ’s face, careful not to let her eyes wander lower. It was tainted, she thought, to look at JJ now—now, when she was so vulnerable. “I can’t make it stop. That’s not how feelings work. Believe me, if—if I had that ability, I would’ve gotten over you a long time ago.” JJ’s face melted down as she sank into Emily’s arms, hiding her face in her shoulder.  _ I shouldn’t touch her like this. _ Emily had no choice; she folded her arms around JJ’s back and rocked her back and forth in the air. “This isn’t your fault.”

Her shirt grew wet from JJ’s tears. “It is, it is my fault, I—” She hiccuped again. “I wished he would go away so I wouldn’t have to hurt him, if I left, I—oh, god, Emily, this is my fault—”

“You didn’t  _ wish _ for this, JJ, listen to me.”  _ She doesn’t feel this way. She’s just confused. _ Emily had no choice but to continue to disclose of herself, no matter how much it hurt. “Do you think I caused this? Wishing you were mine instead?”

JJ sniffled hard. “Not… Not really.”

_ Well, that’s not the vote of confidence I was hoping for. _ “This isn’t your fault. It’s not. It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I promise.” She wiped her nose on Emily’s burnt blouse. “I can’t make your feelings stop. But I’m going to give you whatever I can to help you. Because you  _ do _ deserve it. You deserve everything. You deserve the whole world. I promise you that.”

Promises were big things to Emily, who had only ever intimately known broken promises. She touched JJ’s hair. It smelled like fire and death. Something of both of them died in that building with Will. 

Something else had come alive. 

Emily pressed a tender kiss to the crown of JJ’s head. JJ didn’t lift her head from where she rocked back and forth, resting there on Emily’s shoulder, her eyes closed and her breathing heavy. Emily didn’t prompt her.  _ She’ll come away when she’s ready. _ Or, at least, Emily hoped so. But if JJ desired it, she would stand here like a tree all night long and allow JJ to draw life from her, whatever sustenance she could possibly gain from Emily’s dirty, sore body. Emily’s arms fit just right around JJ’s naked back. She rubbed in circles, up and down, encountering bumps and scrapes and moles and scars. Given time, she would create a map of JJ’s back, recognizing all of the landmarks and making memories to press upon her skin. 

She did not think JJ would give her that time, though. 

JJ was hurting, now, but Emily would not take advantage of her in such a state, and when she thought more clearly, JJ would never give herself to Emily. Not in that way. Not in a million years. JJ was the sun. She was whole and bright. She provided. She nourished—nourished the team, nourished her family, nourished Spencer, nourished life growing inside of her body and called it her son. She could not have found someone less like her than Emily—Emily, who had removed from herself the same thing JJ had loved.

JJ changed her whole life to make a family for her child. Emily made nothing but a secret. They could not have been more different, and JJ deserved someone better. Emily’s desires could not play into it. JJ deserved someone who shared her values, who would grow with her, who would fill this large house with love alongside her, and Will was that person.

“I loved him,” JJ whispered into Emily’s skin. “I loved him  _ so much. _ He was—He was one of my closest friends.” She gulped. “But I wasn’t _ in love _ with him.” 

Will could have filled this house to the brim with love, and none of that would have bought JJ’s romance. None of that could’ve made her feel whole. None of that could have satisfied her so she did not finally break and wind up straddling Emily’s lap after a case in a hotel room, feeling her breasts under her shirt and trying to reach for something more. 

“Emily,” JJ breathed. Her breath hot against Emily’s neck, she turned her head, lifting her gaze up to her. “If you can’t—” She paused to swallow hard, her lower lip shaking like a dry leaf clinging to a branch in an autumn breeze. “If you can’t make the feelings go away—” She choked. “Would you make me yours?” 

_ Oh, no, Jayje, no. _ Emily’s heart stopped in her chest. “Jayje—” She closed her mouth, and then she opened it, and then she closed it, trying to think of a respectable response. “Jayje, I can’t do that with you right now. You’re not thinking straight. You’re not going to want that when you’re feeling better, and you’ll be embarrassed, and—”

“Don’t tell me what I feel.” The fortitude in JJ’s voice took them both aback—a far cry from the stammering whispers she had managed thus far. A flinty look shone in her blue eyes beneath the sheen of tears. “I’m real. Right now. I’m real, and I don’t feel like I want to wait another minute for—for you, I just—” She kept crying, and there weren’t tears now as much as a steady stream all blending together upon her face. “I just want to make love to someone and know that it’s real, and I’ve wanted that for years, Em,  _ years, _ and I know you’re the only person I can find that with, and I—I think you want that too, I think, I think you must—I’m so sorry I waited this long, but right now, everything hurts, and you’re the one I’ve wanted for so long, and I can’t—I can’t—I can’t get through this without you—” She closed her eyes tightly, her whole face screwing up to try to keep herself from dissolving into another plaintive sob. 

Emily closed her eyes, too.  _ I can’t stand to see her so upset. _ Behind her eyelids, her eyes were hot and sorrowful. “JJ,” she whispered, “please. We should wait. I don’t want you to do anything you’re going to regret—”

“I  _ won’t, _ I can’t, the only thing I regret is—is that I didn’t say it sooner, that I was so afraid of—of hurting him that this is what it took. Emily,  _ this is what it took, _ he had to  _ die _ for me to try to be happy, I—I don’t want that! I wanted him alive, I was so afraid of losing his friendship, I loved him, but he died believing a lie, and that’s no better—I’m a terrible person, this is my fault—” The gibberish continued to blend together until she cut herself off, her train of thought not making much sense to Emily, but she didn’t interrupt. She feared opening her eyes and looking at JJ standing in front of her. She feared not being able to deny herself. She feared not being able to deny JJ. 

JJ’s voice dropped to a whisper. “I wouldn’t have—I didn’t want—” Again, she cut herself off. “I’m so glad you didn’t die, Em. I… I don’t think I ever would’ve—I don’t think anything ever would have been the same without you.”

Emily didn’t know what to make of it. “Are you saying you prefer it this way?” she asked, afraid to make any assumptions and come off with the wrong idea. 

“I’m saying…” JJ paused. Emily could hear the gears turning in her head. “I’m saying that I couldn’t choose. That if—if God pulled me up into the universe, and asked me to choose between timelines, between losing you and losing him, I wouldn’t be able to do it. And that thing I said was wrong, and all I want now is to be yours, and please,  _ please, _ Emily, make me yours. I’m sorry I waited this long. I’m so sorry it took me this long. I’m—I’m so sorry. But I need you right now.” She exhaled, long and hard. “And I think—I think you need me, too.” 

Emily parted her lips.  _ I do, I do, I do, I need you, I— _ “I do.”

JJ’s lips landed on hers, soft, her mouth molding to Emily’s like clay beneath the master’s hands. She nuzzled into the kiss, seeking something from it, drawing something from it, and Emily pressed into her in return. JJ’s arms looped around her shoulders, hands landing in her choppy, dirty hair, and Emily placed her hands on JJ’s hips. 

Anything else felt like sacrilege.

A hot tongue slithered into her open mouth. Emily bent her head forward to allow JJ better access, more room to kiss her, and JJ bounced up onto her tiptoes, drawing them together. The tongue explored inside of her. It almost tickled. 

Emily hadn’t been kissed like this in years. 

Shrugging her shoulders, JJ allowed her bra to fall to the floor, standing in front of Emily shirtless. Her hands snaked under Emily’s torn, stained blouse.  _ We’re doing this, we’re doing this, we shouldn’t be doing this, but we’re doing this— _ JJ pulled the blouse off of her. Her hands shook. “Emily, I’ve—I’ve never—not with a woman—”

“That’s okay.”  _ She wants this. And so do I. _ How could Emily deny herself? How could she deny JJ? JJ needed her. Emily had to provide. That was what she did; that was her duty. Her hands roamed up the sides of JJ’s torso, admiring her scars and moles and nicks and scrapes, the places where the bones protrude and the places where the muscle coverage rippled beneath her touch. JJ wore stripes of dark stretch marks where her body had grown to accommodate life. Emily traced them one by one. “You’re beautiful, JJ.”

They weren’t clean. They didn’t smell fresh. They had bad, home haircuts from sawing singed ends and glass out of their hair. Ash and dust from an exploding building covered their bodies wherever skin had been exposed when the bomb had detonated. The stench of smoke clung to them. Little bandaids stuck to their deepest cuts where EMTs had tried to piece them back together like a broken puzzle, but none of the pieces fit exactly like they had before, as the fire had burned away some of the edges. 

JJ reached behind Emily to unhook her bra. “So are you.” Emily’s body had marks from the world she had known before, the brand covered by a blossoming wreath of flowers, all the scars Doyle had left upon her, but JJ didn’t mind. She touched her with reverence.

Bowing her head, Emily pressed a warm kiss to the junction between JJ’s neck and shoulder. She sank in her teeth there. A wanton gasp escaped from her. She dug her fingernails into her back at the sensation. Sliding farther down, crossing her collarbones, Emily grazed her teeth, nipping at the sensitive skin just above the bone. At the hollow of her throat, she pressed her nose. 

“Should we go to the bedroom?” JJ’s voice rumbled, the vibrations against Emily’s lips. Emily nodded, dark eyes darting up to JJ’s. She took her by the hand and led her down the hallway, glancing back at her once, as if to confirm her presence—that Emily was still there, still real, still beside her. 

The room stood empty and hollow, the place where JJ and Will had slept beside each other last night and many nights before, but now, JJ crawled upon the blankets, and Emily slid on top of her. “Was this what you planned at the hotel room?” JJ nodded. Her throat bobbed as she swallowed. “Are you sure you want this?” 

“More than anything else in the whole world.” 

Emily unbuttoned JJ’s pants. She didn’t remove them yet.  _ Just don’t want to struggle with a buckle when the time comes. _ Stretching herself out, she spread across JJ, careful not to put too much weight upon her. “Are you alright?” 

“Mhm.”

“Are you—”

“Emily,  _ please _ .” Emily ducked her head sheepishly. Heat rose to her cheeks. Bracing her weight on her forearms, she proceeded down JJ’s torso in a delicate dance, her clavicles peppered with kisses, Emily scraped her teeth down her sternum, eliciting a sharp gasp. JJ’s hands fluttered, uncertain where to put themselves—tangled in the blankets, upon Emily’s skin, wound up in her hair—and Emily could not bring herself to pause to give her instruction. 

She continued down the midline of JJ’s body, farther down her sternum, as the smoothness of both breasts brushed upon her cheeks. At the tip of the xiphoid process, Emily lifted her gaze back to JJ. 

JJ had closed her eyes, chest heaving, hands shaking as they flitted from blankets to Emily’s back and to the blankets again. Turning her head, she tenderly kissed the junction beneath JJ’s left breast, where it began to rise from her rib cage into the soft shape. A tight breath hitched in JJ’s throat.  _ Is she sure? _ As if reading Emily’s mind, JJ nodded. Emily took one of JJ’s hands and placed it on her back. The other followed suit. 

“I—I might scratch you.”

“I’d be honored.” Emily opened her mouth, enveloping the flesh of JJ’s left breast. The tactile stimulus, cool skin to her hot mouth, the way it rippled beneath her touch—she inhaled the smell of JJ’s lotion among the smoke. Her teeth grazed the sensitive skin surrounding her areola. A whimper left JJ, an anticipatory sound, but Emily would not bite her here. Her tongue flitted out and circled her areola, wide and dark pink. Little bumps arose. Emily tickled them with the tip of her tongue. Another thin sound escaped JJ. She dug in her fingernails. 

Needing no more encouragement, Emily slowly, painfully, dragged her tongue across the erect nipple. JJ whined, arching her back, lifting her chest into Emily’s mouth. “Em—” It was a desperate plea, her name upon JJ’s lips, one that Emily could never deny.  _ She is so beautiful. _ So real, so pink, so naked—everything Emily had ever dreamed of and more. The stains from the rubble of the day did not detract from this. 

Mouth wrapping around JJ’s breast, she sucked, the tip of her tongue flitting. Beneath her, JJ squirmed. “Mm—nn—” With each uneven breath, her chest moved against Emily’s body. Emily released her, and she pecked shallow kisses across JJ’s chest to her right breast. “Oh, fuh—” She stopped herself from releasing the swear. It died somewhere in her throat, perhaps a habit from raising a child. “Emily—” She used her teeth to graze the nipple, not enough to cause pain. JJ threw her head back. “Ah—” The prayer died on her lips. “Please, I—I need—”

The tip of Emily’s nose followed the arch of JJ’s ribs, and then she kissed her way lower. She followed her midline, trailing out to the sides along the striped marks upon her abdomen. Each dark ripple of color received a string of kisses. She nipped at them at intervals to keep her on her toes. Then, she continued to JJ’s navel, and lower still, just above the band of her slacks. She sank in her teeth there above JJ’s pubic bone. 

JJ keened. Her hands landed in Emily’s hair. They tangled up in it. “Emily,  _ please _ , I need you—” Emily pushed herself up, shaking JJ’s hands free from her hair, to slide the slacks off of JJ’s body; JJ lifted her hips to help her until both of her legs were free, and she tossed them aside. Emily hooked her fingers into the elastic of her cotton panties and guided them down, as well. They would find their clothing in the morning. Tonight, they did not need it. 

The heady aroma of JJ’s arousal slathered Emily’s senses, mixing with the stench of smoke that clung to both of them. Emily sprawled out between JJ’s legs. Her hands landed in her hair again. “Are you—”

“ _ Don’t _ ask me if I’m sure again.”

A grin cracked Emily’s face. Was this how she wanted to remember this? Them, in so much pain, her body aching and sore, the stench of war fuddling up the spaces between them? 

_ I can think of no better way. _

What better way was there, except for them to give to one another when they needed it the most? 

With her left palm, Emily spread JJ’s legs apart, keeping one hand on her thigh to hold it in place, and she lowered her face into JJ’s garden of tangled, reddish pubic hair. The scent assailed her, mouth-watering and real. She kissed the top of JJ’s vulva, where the labia split. JJ jerked and yipped in surprise. 

Taking her right hand, Emily spread JJ open with her fingers, admiring the thick syrup inside of her.  _ I did that. _ It seemed surreal. JJ’s hips undulated beneath her, bargaining for more. Emily could not deny her. Licking her lips, she opened her mouth, burying herself there. 

The sound JJ made shot straight to Emily’s groin. Her tongue traced upward, from vagina to clitoris. Sharp bucks upward answered her slow ministrations.  _ She needs this. _ Emily hadn’t rushed anything—she didn’t want to overstimulate JJ or frighten her—but already, JJ balanced on the precipice of orgasm, and Emily had to hook her arms around JJ’s legs to anchor her into place. The tip of her tongue followed the crus of her clitoris, only skipping over the very head, and with each skip, JJ cried out, seeking more as she scratched Emily’s scalp and snatched her hair. Emily’s body tingled at the sound, her nipples erect and her panties growing wetter by the minute. 

JJ’s vagina squeezed once. JJ uttered a hefty gasp. Running her tongue down, Emily tasted the thickness pouring out of her, and then she slipped back up again. “Emily—” JJ gasped, breathless. She snatched on Emily’s hair, trying to draw her in deeper. “I’m so close—”

Emily could deny her nothing. 

She wrapped her mouth around her clitoris and flicked it with the tip of her tongue. 

JJ’s body seized beneath her, hips thrashing. She pulled Emily’s hair, fingernails digging into her scalp. Holy sounds pealed from her lips, thunder in the most sacred of storms, a storm caused by Emily’s flicking tongue upon her most tender parts. The orgasm consumed her like fire, her whole body devoured by it. Emily rode it out with her. 

When the final aftershocks subsided, she licked her up, and then she pulled away. JJ’s hands had gone slack in her hair. They fell when Emily sat up. JJ struggled to catch her breath, gazing up at the ceiling. She sweated. Emily sweated, too. 

Curling up beside her, Emily ignored the gnawing between her thighs. She stroked up JJ’s body with one delicate hand. “You okay?” JJ nodded. “Catch your breath. I’m right here.” She rested her palm on JJ’s heaving chest. Through her ribcage, she measured her rumbling heart, a firing squad trapped inside of her chest. 

Her other hand cupped JJ’s cheek. JJ leaned into the touch, starstruck eyes studying Emily. She breathed through her open mouth. “That was really good.” When she could piece together enough words to speak without pausing for air, she said it aloud. She propped herself up on her elbows. “Come here.”

Emily paused. “Are you—”

“Don’t ask if I’m sure.” Ducking her head, Emily curled up on the blankets beside her, allowing JJ to pull her in for a brief kiss. “I appreciate your concern.” JJ tucked a lock of choppy black hair back out of Emily’s face. “But this is my choice. And you are what I want.”

_ I know. I just think it’s kind of hard to believe. _ Color warmed Emily’s cheeks. She kissed JJ again. “I trust you. I believe you. I just don’t want you to think of any of this as a mistake.”

“It’s—It’s  _ not. _ It’s not a mistake.” 

Was this wrong of them? To do this now, so soon? Was this like taking Will’s death as an opportunity? She had promised herself she would not do this, not now, not like this, not while JJ was so vulnerable, but JJ was calling all the shots, and Emily was so weak, and the knuckles tracing the wounds on her cheeks worshipped her. JJ touched Emily like she was something worth touching. Not very many people had done that before. 

“I want to make love to you.” JJ’s azure eyes found Emily’s. “Show me how—teach me what you want me to do.” 

Emily licked her lips. She could taste JJ there. “Just use your hands…” She shifted herself, sitting between JJ’s legs, her back to her. Reaching behind her, she took JJ’s hands, and she placed each of them upon her breast. “Touch me like you would touch yourself.”

Bowing her head forward, JJ bit Emily’s neck. “Ah—” Emily closed her eyes, strangling the cry, and gulped, measuring her breaths through her nose. Anxiety wriggled up into her belly.  _ Relax. _ JJ held her breasts like jewels, treasures, in the palms of her hands. She rolled her nipples between her fingers. “Y-Yeah, like that—” 

She was wet. Her hips refused to hold still. Every brush of JJ’s hands against her skin sent her twitching and tingling. Warm breath wafted across her neck and ear; JJ rested her chin on Emily’s shoulder to peer down at her body. She tweaked her nipples one by one. The cries from Emily’s lips slowly became less coherent. She needed more.

Careful hands skimmed downward, down her abdomen. JJ unbuttoned her pants, and Emily wiggled out of them, leaving her panties hooked over one ankle. She settled in JJ’s lap again. “Don’t be nervous,” JJ murmured to the cusp of her ear. Her right hand tangled in Emily’s thick, coarse pubic hair; the black wires had begun to go silver over the past few years, now a pleasant mix of the two.

An anxious laugh tittered out of her. “Am I that obvious?”

“I think so… profiler.” 

Emily did not have time to quip back in response as JJ spread her open with her fingers and dipped her middle finger into the sticky warmth. She drew the hot lubricant from Emily’s body up to her clitoris and made wide, lazy circles around it. Back tightening, Emily closed her eyes. Warmth and tingles raced all over her, like ice, like fire, a million sensations crossfiring to create this oasis built between their two bodies. 

“Don’t forget to breathe…” The circles tightened around her clitoris. Emily reminded herself to release the breath she held and drank in another, air tasting like clean water, smelling like JJ, feeling cool inside of her. It grounded her in this moment, where otherwise she would have floated away, steam to the air. 

Fidgeting in JJ’s lap, Emily fought to keep her hips in one place for JJ to glide her fingers faster and firmer across the most intimate parts of her body. Her body wanted to jump away. JJ’s left hand smoothed up her body and flicked over her nipple, making it stand up. “Oh, god, JJ—” Stars sparkled behind her eyelids. “I’m—I’m not lasting long—” 

“Come for me.” JJ bit her neck again and sucked  _ hard.  _

“Oh,  _ fuck _ —” Emily cried out and tossed her head back, her body grinding upward into JJ’s palm, unable to calm down. JJ held her until exhaustion consumed her muscles, and she sagged back against her. “Jayje,” she whispered, her eyes opening into slits. 

Her whole body ached and burned. She was sore before. This punctuated all of it. Shifting herself off of JJ to sit beside her—it made everything crave some relaxation. JJ’s hand wandered up to her hair, twirling the choppy dark locks around her fingers. She wore a thoughtful expression on her face.  _ I can’t interrupt. _ She didn’t have to. “Thank you,” JJ whispered, “for helping me.”

Emily’s brow furrowed. “Of course—anything you need.” She took JJ’s hand, turned it in her own, and kissed its back. “I love you,” she whispered to the skin of her hand. 

Ambivalent eyes sparkled in return. “I love you, too.” She touched Emily’s face and trailed her thumb over her cheekbone, her lips, her chin. “Should we take a shower?” 

Emily blew a short snort out her nose. “Honestly, I don’t know if I could stand up long enough.”

A tiny smile cracked JJ’s facade: a ray of hope. “I have a big tub… and bubble bath.” 

Emily squeezed her hand. “That sounds good.” She could imagine nothing better. 


End file.
